Sunday, March 23, 2008

I might be taking some time off from blogging.

My elderly uncle is very sick. I must be strong and calm. My family is strong and I must be too. But it's hard for me. I worry a lot. Worrying is not helping anyone at all. I need to focus my thoughts into something more positive. I'm like in a depression now. Its quite sudden to see him like that. He used to be so active and he loves and cares for me so much. My worrying has almost crippled me, frozen me with fear. Can'e eat or sleep. It's a horrible feeling.

My family is strong. They have excepted that he is old, everyone grows old and these things happen. It's part of life.

I know no one wants to see like that especially my uncle. My family seeing me like this is adding onto their problems. I know I must be strong, I'm an adult now. I know I need to break out of it. But knowing and acting it out are two very different things. I am trying so hard but when I think about it, I suddenly feel so sad and frozen.

He'll be like this for sometime, months or even years. I can't afford to be in depression for that long. I'll be putting my family through a nightmare. I need to snap out of it. They say it's because I had a comfortable life, no hardships growing up. That's why I can't handle this. Maybe they are right. It doesn't matter, I need to be strong now, for myself and my family. Continue doing the things I always do. But it's so hard. I must be strong.


B said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time, Cavalock. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts.

Also know that being strong for your family and being open to your grief do not have to be dichotomous emotions. While you are clearly trying to suspend your emotions to be strong for your family, do not deny how you truly feel. Reading the Tao Te Ching has helped me a lot in this regard. Instead of feeling that you have to ignore or conquer your inclination to feel such grief, acknowledge it fully and appreciate that it is real and significant. And then acknowledge that such grief and an inner strength for your family truly can and should coexist. They are not mutually exclusive emotions. You don't have to be one or the other.

When I feel overcome by any kind of emotion, I acknowledge that emotion rising within me but I do not allow that emotion to take over my behavior. It is not so much controlling the emotion but more like a peacefulness with that emotion... realizing that it is there and then immediately acknowledging that the counter emotion is there, too. When I feel grief or sadness, I acknowledge that inner strength and happiness are also present.

The fact that you feel so much for your Uncle is a beautiful thing. Don't deny those feelings by shoving them deep down (they will only resurface again and again) but recognize that you are also strong and when it comes to being supportive to your family, you can be such as a result of being open to that grief and owning it. Where lies one, so does the other. It is not a matter of either/or. You don't need to go looking for strength... it is right there, within you, right next to that sadness and struggle. Again, I hope you will not deny that sadness and grief. Sometimes, when I feel I have to be strong, that inclination to be emotionless is there. And we are human, we cannot and should not deny ourselves the truth of that emotion. Trying to do such only hardens us and embitters us to the point we become zombies.

I think it must also be particularly difficult for men to bear grief openly. Society has such expectations on men to be strong and hide their emotions. But that is no way to live, Cavalock. Your emotional expression is too beautiful to be repressed.

I am here. Don't hesitate to reach out.

Very Sincerely,

imp said...

you are already strong.

you've thought through it all. keep the faith.


the arts and crafts experiment said...

take it easy. i'll be praying for you and those dear to you.

Cavalock said...

Thank you all.

dilutedmagnetics said...

Take care Cavalock...

Richard said...

Take care.

People do grow older and sometimes it can bea terrible shock to see someone change dramatically almost overnight.

I can't tell you how to deal with your feelings except to say that hiding them, or suppressing them is not good. Worrying isn't either.

Finding peace is not always easy. I hope you can find it.